Reading People

Many of our basic mind-sets, such as dishonesty or anger, are generally thought of in negative terms. Others, such as surprise and attentiveness, are neither always positive nor always negative. You may welcome them in one situation and avoid them in another. Some feelings, like happiness, are almost always perceived positively.

It's safe to make a generalization: emotions that are viewed in negative terms are harder to read than those that are seen in a positive light. With the exception of the person who's secretly gleeful at another's misfortune, is playing hard-to-get with a potential sweetheart, or is negotiating a deal, most individuals gladly express their positive feelings. It's not hard to read such an emotion since there's usually no attempt to conceal it. But the less desirable shades of the human psyche aren't so well received. We are uncomfortable around complainers, people who are indecisive, people who are anxious. We expect all but our closest friends and family to keep their depression, anger, and frustration to themselves, or to deal with it somewhere else. So people often hide these emotions from others. If you need proof that they're unwelcome, the next time an acquaintance asks, "How are you?" when you're having a really bad day, tell him. Then watch his reaction!

People also hide their negative emotions because they fear a confrontation. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." is no doubt one of the most often repeated exchanges in the English language. If you judge from someone's body language that he's upset or anxious, don't just ignore your conclusion. Give some thought to whether it would be best to resolve the issue then and there, wait for a better time, or watch further to see if it blows over. Even if you decide not to pursue the issue on the spot, once you recognize that there is a problem you'll be better equipped to deal with it when and if it does erupt.

There's nothing wrong with these unspoken rules of emotional hideand- seek—they help keep life civil. But just because people don't feel comfortable showing their negative emotions doesn't mean they're not feeling them. And if you don't know how to identify them, you can't respond appropriately. But if you can learn to recognize, for example, when someone feels frustrated with you, you can try to meet the problem head-on rather than leave it to simmer and turn from frustration to dislike to hostility.

The beauty of knowing how to read body language is that, try as people might to cover up their "unacceptable" feelings, it's nearly impossible if you know what to look for. We mentioned earlier that even those whose lives depend on appearing cool, calm, and honest on the witness stand often fail at their task. The truth shows through in their body language, usually in conjunction with other traits. Unless someone is an accomplished actor, he just isn't going to be able to mask his emotional state.